Becoming I AM & Feeling Good
Cosmic Light Drops
Cancer Full Moon - 6 January 2023
Becoming I AM and Feeling Good
Maybe it's because I’ve been going through a pretty intense integration over the past couple weeks, not quite a butterfly yet, but no longer a caterpillar. In that phase where everything has broken down and is putting itself back together in my new shape. Maybe it's because Mercury has shifted retrograde; whatever the case even though our Gregorian calendars have shifted it really doesn’t quite feel like the New Year yet. Interestingly I recall speaking about this in the Gemini Full Moon Light Drop, that all the cosmic energetics were pointing to a slow start to 2023, that we were being given some extra quiet time to reflect on the year(s) gone by, to allow what we are becoming to form a bit more before we get busy setting intentions, holding our ceremonies and rituals and really birthing into the New Year.
Feeling into the current phase we are in, into the Cancer Full Moon on the 6th, all the energies for these first two weeks of January have us in the proverbial cooker. We are being asked to really go within in a deep way, to explore the way we think and feel. There were two song phrases that came through as I began to open up and feel what this cycle has in store. The first came as I awoke on New Year's Day morning, Feeling Good, the beautiful song by Nina Simone; this makes perfect sense to me. Sure it may not feel quite like the sun has risen on our New Day at the moment but if we squint just so we can begin to see the light changing on the horizon. This song feels like a reminder that even from the “goo” stage we have access to the light that exists within us, it may feel far away but this is actually when we are closest to the space of the All-Thing, The Divine and to the No-Thing, The Void. We are swimming in deep space in a seemingly cold dark vacuum that is in fact full of stars, full of light, full of love. The entire song speaks to where we are headed, re-member-ing that in order to come to the place of the new it is necessary to let the old fall away and to give the transformation time to integrate. I awoke singing the lyrics, It’s a New Dawn, It’s a New Day, It’s a New Life For Me, and I’m Feeling Good. Later in the day I was called to explore the song more deeply and these words really struck a chord:
Dragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun, you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done, that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Stars when you shine; You know how I feel
Scent of the pine; You know how I feel
Oh, freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
This feels like a reminder that though we may have more to integrate, to re-member about our beingness, we can still begin to touch and feel the freedom that is dawning. Allow the work to happen and allow ourselves to luxuriate in the rest that is also being offered.
So even as I awoke with this re-membrance that everything is trending towards good. It can be hard to be in the cooker, to be in a place of becoming something that you can’t quite grasp yet. Here comes the next piece that came in loudly, this one isn’t so much a particular song, but is a sentiment that can be found in many of them. Who Do You Think You Are?
Yes, that extra emphasis on Think was intentional.. And now it's time to really start bringing the cosmic alignments in. I already mentioned Mercury has moved Retrograde, this happened with the Messenger in Capricorn on the 29th of December. As we move into the Full Moon on the 6th and through the following days the Sun and Mercury will cross paths; they will meet exactly about 36 hours after the Full Moon. This alignment is asking us to explore our thoughts, the places where our outward expression of self and the way we think do not align. I’m hearing that old idiom “practice what you preach” coming through. This is more about exploring those places where you contort yourself to fit some idea of who or what you should be. This is being brought to the fore even more as the Moon, sitting directly across the way in Cancer, meets in conjunction with Pallas and the star Sirius. When the Moon (our unconscious) is Full we are given a flashlight to explore regions usually hidden in the shadows. In Cancer, in conjunction with Pallas (the warrior goddess), we are asked to explore the unconscious ways that we seek belonging and to explore the various wars we are fighting, specifically in our closest relationships. With the opposition to the Sun and retrograde Mercury in Capricorn, this is an opportunity to explore the wars we wage against ourselves and how this is showing up in our external world and relationships. To really hammer this point home, Chiron is also an active participant in this party, turning the Sun-Moon opposition into a T-Square. Chiron, still in Aries, began moving forward again on the day of our Capricorn New Moon. In this instance the wounded healer is bringing this Who Am I wound to all the ways we question ourselves in familial relationships. When I speak about familial relationships I don’t necessarily mean your immediate family, though I definitely also mean that. This speaks to all relationships, Cancer energy is all about our sense of belonging, about home and hearth. For myself I am definitely finding myself exploring once again the relationship (or lack thereof) that I have with my parents, but also the ones I’ve had with various groups of friends throughout my life. The places where I’ve abandoned myself (my true identity) out of fear that I would be abandoned if I didn’t make myself like everyone else. As well as those times that I have run away out of fear that I would not be understood anyways. I find myself recalling times that I acted the part of “bully” in my youth, not because I felt harmed but because I feared that I would be harmed if I didn’t go along with my friend's desire that I avenge some apparent injury the other person had inflicted upon me. There are three times that still haunt me, where my “who do you think you are” really gets kicked up. Once in 7th grade, once in my Sophomore year of highschool and once in my Junior year… I can feel myself hesitant to detail any of these examples here, a sense that you would think, in Robert Anton Wilson's words, that I am a “No Good Shit”.. Rather than detail all three I will share the 7th grade version briefly, mostly because when that part of me feels scared it’s usually a good indicator that there is some there, there. I was at a new school, as I so often was, it was a particularly traumatic episode of my young life. Some very hard deep truths about my step father had been revealed to my mother, a final straw that had us fleeing for our lives. We were in subsidized housing, scarred and scared. As the school year began I made a new friend, this turned into an abusive relationship also, which I stayed in far too long. One day another new student to the school ,who I'd become friends with, borrowed my jean jacket. Rather than returning the jacket to me, she left it on the floor in front of my locker. Well even though my jacket was not stolen, this slight was too much for my new friend(s), they said you need to kick her ass. That day at lunch they cheered me up the hill to confront her. I did not want to hurt her, I could feel the fear she felt, I thought maybe I can just use words but my “friends” were not having it. I gave in and slapped her in the face knocking off her glasses, which I then kicked down the hill. This event was decades ago now, yet even as I type I can feel my hands shaking. How my trauma response was activated by the young kids around me, the fear that I would be the one slapped if I didn't do the slapping.. I can feel how each of my “friends” were also living all the trauma they’d experienced in asking me to do this and the trauma that she felt in the experience of being slapped. There was not one victim and perpetrator in this event. We were all victims of one another, and all the trauma’s that we did not yet have the tools to recognize, let alone integrate.
Sure you could say that this is a childish indiscretion, but it speaks to the way that we can abandon ourselves when we are in a state of fear rather than love. I was so afraid during that part of my life (and much of my youth/ early adulthood), I had so many outside forces threatening me, so rather than be the one harmed I decided to be the one doing the harming. This is how we have come to be where we are now isn’t it, the prototypical cycle of violence. During Christmas week and really still today, I have been feeling another song that speaks to this so well. John Lennon’s Happy Christmas, War is Over (If you want it). I feel so deeply what John was really saying, not so much that the Vietnam War could be over, but that the only way to end war, to end violence is through ourselves, individually. That peace in our world can really only be obtained when we are able to find peace within our beings. As Above So Below; As Within So Without.
Okay, back to the astrology.. This T-Square between Chiron in Aries, The Sun-Mercury in Capricorn and Sirius-The Moon-Pallas in Cancer, are gifting us with the energy to explore our inner expressions of self, to say “Who Do I Think I AM”, and in so doing to re-member ourselves. This T-Square is occurring in the Cardinal Elements of Water, Fire and Earth, The rebirth is moving through our emotions, our sense of self and our very foundations. However because Retrograde Mercury is involved, and we still have Mars Retrograding through Gemini, much of the activity may first present in our mental realm. This is beautiful because we are able to access the unconscious emotional (moon, cancer) processes that are at play, to bring them into our mental realm so that we can see and feel how they would be expressed in the “old world” and ask ourselves, is this freedom? Is this the New and Bold World I’m Feeling Good about?
Speaking of Mars in Gemini, the planet of action will finally begin moving forward again on the 12th, which feels like the start to, the energetic start of the New Year. Before we get there though, on the Full Moon Mars will be part of a really lovely Air Grand Trine, with Venus and Chariklo in Aquarius and Ceres in Libra.
Wait, before we move on let’s bring in Sirius, our Galactic Twin Star(s), the higher self to the Sun. I shared in the Capricorn New Moon Update that Sirius reaches apex at midnight on Jan 1st every year, this marks the period of time when the dog stars are at their farthest point from our Sun. This means that like the Sol conjunction portal in the first week of July, we are currently moving through a very potent Sirius Stargate. With the Full Moon coming during this portal, there is a sense that the light being shone through the moon is amplified, that our unconscious is being gifted light from not just our outward expression of self but from our higher self also. An access that is so beautiful and profound in this time of accelerated transformation. We are of course being asked to let this light shine into some of the deepest wounds of all, however, there is so much love in this light that if we allow ourselves to receive, it may actually feel good.
Now, we can bring in Venus and Chariklo, if you're not familiar with her, Chariklo in myth is the wife of Chiron, and an amazing healer and teacher in her own right. This energy is connecting us to the Cancer New Moon on 28 June 2022, during which Chariklo was in an exact trine to Venus in Gemini. Venus has moved through the skies to meet with her dance partner once again, this time in a close dance. Bringing the amazing energies of healing through love to our mental realm, in the home of transcendence. This Air Trine feels like it is reminding us that, it is we who plant the seeds, and that what we plant is what we will eat come harvest time. Ceres loves to remind us that we Reap What We Sow, in Libra she is saying balance dear heart, can you come into a state of equilibrium. Like Cancer, Libra is also about our relationships, but here, as opposed to where do you belong, it is more about how you relate to the world around you, Libra also speaks to our sense of Justice, of Fair Play. In distress or expressed from a place of trauma, this can manifest as “righteous indignation” but when expressed from a place of alignment, of love, this can come through as standing on the front lines to protect the rights of all, to ensure fair play. With the retrograde Mars in trine to this energy the question is asked, can you be the warrior of peace and justice for all, can you use your thoughts and actions to plant seeds of peace, first within yourself, which can then grow into beautiful fruits of peace in your outer world.
Ceres is also directly across the wheel from Jupiter, still sitting atop the World Axis at 1° Aries, expanding this need for balance. This may also expand your need for a more balanced diet, whether this is the literal food you eat or in all the other ways you consume. For myself this translated into a need for a 20 hour cleanse. I took a day for meditation and self care, imbibing only water and tea, staying (mostly) off the electronics , until sundown. I also imbibed a beautiful Goddess bath with candles and crystals, and some of the New Year Tuned Isis Bath Soak.
Jupiter is also bringing their expansive energy to Hekate, who has been moving backwards through Cancer for a while now. Hekate is almost at the Axis Mundi point now, she will hit it exactly as we come into the Aquarius New Moon. As she raises her torch in this backwards dance she is showing us how far we’ve come, letting us gaze down the roads that led us here. All the big and little family patterns and that made us who we are today. All that we’ve already transmuted and the programs that are still running. All the gifts also that we’ve received and that are still being formed in the grit of where we’ve been.
Speaking of where we’ve been, as I bring this light drop to a close we will circle back to Sirius-The Moon-Pallas, this thruple is making a lovely Trine to the Goddess of the eternal flame, Vesta in Pisces. The energy of Vesta wants you to burn bright, to stoke your heart flame and help you carry your light. She holds the frequency of Virgo, her temple was the Vestal Virgins, and I don’t mean they were sexless… Re-member, a virgin does not mean of intact hymen but of being truly whole unto self, it is a purity that goes far beyond our power and fear based ideas of sex. This is made even more interesting given that Vesta is sitting almost directly across from that lovely Persephone-Isis conjunction in her temple sign Virgo. These two have been dancing together in Virgo for a few weeks now, Isis leading the way. On the day of the Full Moon, Isis will once again lead the way by shifting to retrograde movement, followed by Persephone on 9 January. Together still they will revisit their dance together through the next couple months, Isis drawing ever closer to Persephone until they meet exactly on 16 April as Persephone turns around to meet Isis who turns around herself on the 23rd and they resume their dance together both moving forward once again. These two amazing energies of wholeness will remain in Virgo through this entire dance, really bringing home the message of self mastery and empowerment. Of integration of allowing our shadows to rise up and meet our light.
There is so much potential for exploration of where we’ve been and how we’ve gotten to the place we currently find ourselves during this particular Full Moon and in the coming weeks. Of letting yourself go within and explore the ways you express yourself and what that is creating in your world. And of remembering that whoever you thought you were, could be and quite possibly is changing and hey maybe that can feel good.
So as I wrap this post up I will share with you the words of Gnarls Barkley, from his song Crazy:
And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice
Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you
Who do you think you are
Ha ha ha, bless your soul
You really think you're in control
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me
Asking the question, not just who do you think you are, but what do you think it means to be in control? In this moment for myself, in this universe of beautiful seemingly very chaotic creation, Control is not a state of rigidity but of letting go; of letting myself explore all the ways my un-subconscious, my family patterns and the collective ideas of shoulds and should nots having been running the script in the background of my life. Control is, shining my radiant light upon all these places and with as much divine love, grace and compassion as is available to me at that moment saying, hey, we are all little crazy and that’s fucking beautiful, but also this particular flavor is no longer necessary, so thank you and I let you go.
And thank you!! Bless your Soul, for reals! It is such a gift and honor to be on this journey with you in all the ways and through each thread of space and time that we weave with one another.
If it calls to weave ever further, you can come explore the Blue Flame Member’s Portal, a beautiful community space where we journey together as we re-member our unique medicine. In this space I facilitate a Live Transmission Activation circle every New Moon, a Violet Flame Release every Full Moon, and all sorts of yummy content and treats throughout each month. You can learn more and become a member here: https://www.patreon.com/blueflameapothecary
Speaking of yummy treats, over the portal of the turning of the year, as Sirius reached their apex I was called to create, activate and tune some delicious teas, powerful smokes and releasing soaks. Explore this collection and all my Apothecary Frequencies here:
https://www.blueflameapothecary.com/the-shop/the-new-year-blends
I have also just uploaded a new transmission to the Apothecary YouTube channel, Expressing Yourself as Chiron Squares off with the Cancer Full Moon. Come check it out and if you haven’t already, please Subscribe and Hit that Like button, also leave me a comment, I love hearing from you!
My my what a time we are in, thank you thank YOU, and as always in all ways so much and many loves to you from and through all the dimensions!
hils
